24: 7-8 & 8-9 a.m.

24: 5.1. Jack goes undercover as a football quarterback… or the NFL’s poor scheduling pushes back the season premier 15 minutes. The bumpy ride has begun. President Palmer’s writing his memoirs and is feeling melancholic when a bullet crashes through the window and shoots him, in the neck, dead. What will Allstate do without him? Logan is still too short to be president, but so far he’s not as wimpy as Day 4. The Russians are coming (repeat for effect) to sign an arms agreement and he won’t postpone the visit. Chloe’s had some action with co-worker Spencer but doesn’t want the rest of CTU to know because she doesn’t “want everyone thinking I’m some kind of slut” though Spencer will easily spill the beans/brag within the hour. Jack learns of Palmer’s demise and is noticeably verklempt during breakfast with his hot new girlfriend Diane and her son, Grunge Boy. Before we can sing “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” Michelle’s car is blown up. She’s a goner too and Tony’s in critical condition with head trauma. Edgar thinks there’s a connection and gives Chloe the heads up before she unlocks her car. She gives the Bad Guys chasing her the old sliperoo and calls Jack. He suggests she meet him at an abandoned oil refinery. Logan’s wife Martha My Dear is off her meds and looking like a wedding cake, but she’s a few tiers short, we fear. She claims Palmer called her and wanted to meet to tell her something that concerned national security. Logan thinks she’s delusional. Suspicious Grunge Boy follows Jack who has to take him to LA where the Bad Guys find them. Chloe guns down Main Bad Guy who confesses that they’re trying to make it look like Jack killed Palmer but he really did it. He received his orders via closed circuit so he doesn’t know who’s in charge. Oops. Lights out for him. Best line: “I will have your family eating dog food out of a can.”

5.2. Security cameras in the building Palmer’s sniper fired from picked up Jack’s image. Bill Buchanan figures out Jack staged his death though Audrey doesn’t believe he’d murder his friends. Jack switches clothes with an FBI agent so he can sneak into the crime scene and somehow his flimsy disguise of that and sunglasses works. As he’s searching Palmer’s computer, brother Wayne finds him. Strangely, Wayne believes the evidence was fabricated and Jack wants to find Palmer’s real killer. In Palmer’s encrypted version of his memoirs, they discover a name and address belonging to a bagging supervisor at Ontario Airport which isn’t in Ontario at all, but rather LA. Back at CTU, Spencer can’t log in under Chloe’s access code because she’s already logged in, remotely. He and Edgar scramble to find her location. Using some sort of cloaking device left over from Star Trek, Jack and Grunge Boy escape while Chloe creates a diversion and gets herself caught by CTU. She tells Buchanan she heard the dying Bad Guy’s confession at the refinery. Despite 4 seasons of Jack always being right, they don’t believe her. Russian President Suvarov (sounds like Superoff)’s helicopter lands safely, though everyone insisted it was targeted. Jack arranges to meet hot new girlfriend at Ontario to deliver her son, but when he leaves them to enter the building, Grunge Boy sees more Bad Guys entering and runs in to warn him. Jack finds the bagging supervisor but the airport’s raided and the bagger crunches down a cyanide capsule before Jack can shoot him in the thigh. Palmer’s phone call to Martha My Dear concerned a charity dinner but we’re the only ones who know presidential advisor Walt Didntcatchhislastname really altered it. Best line: “You are gonna tell me what I want to know. It’s just a question of how much you want it to hurt.”